Hello everyone, today is another late night. I had actually already fallen asleep but was woken up by a loud noise and haven’t been able to fall back asleep. Truth be told, part of not being able to sleep is anxiety.
I always say mental health comes first and tonight I had to practice what I preach. I have an art class, which is an indepent study, so at the begining of the semester my professor and I made a plan and I was very excited about it. However, as the semester has progressed, a lot of things have not worked out the way we planned and I do have a lot of other classes and projects to do. So, while the independent study is still the project I am the most excited about, it has been giving me a lot of anxiety. A couple of days ago, I was working on it but had to stop because I got too overwhealmed and had a panic attack.
All of last week I felt anxious about it. At this point, I know that I will not be able to finish it, there just isn’t time, hence my anxiety. Finally, I have decided to talk to my professor. I sent him an email to let him know that for the rest of the semester I am choosing my mental health over the expectation of a project that was planned months ago. This is by no way an excuse to give up and just throw the towel, I will continue to work for the rest of the two weeks that are left, but we are changing the project and toning it down a bit.
The hardest part about talking to my professor was the idea in my head that I was somehow going to dissapoint him or that he would think I was just looking for excuses not to finish the project, so I had to make it a point for him to know that he should still grade me based on what his expectations for the class are, and that I just wanted him to know that I was not going to finish the project the way we had planned it because of the amount of anxiety it was giving me.
I actually had to remind myself of something I always tell my friends “grades don’t define you, your mental health is always more important.” It is very possible that I will not get an A on this class and that might sound aweful for some people but I know that I have put a lot of effort on this class and it isn’t fair for myself to suffer so much for a grade.
These are the last two weeks of college and I am getting married next week, I have to allow myself to enjoy this time even if it costs me an A. Mental health comes first and grades do not define me.
I hope this helps you put your wellbeing before your grades or the expectations others have of you. Setting boundaries is never easy, and vocalazing your needs can be very tricky. I actually needed my best friend to convince me to finally talk to my professor because she could see how much this was affecting. Believe I know what it feels like to be afraid to dissapoint others but someone being mad/dissapointed at you for a while than for you to torture yourself.
Let me know in the comments below, what times you have had to vocalize your need and choose your mental health over someone else’s expectations. What do you find to be the hardest part about talking about mental health and metal illness?
Have a great night, I will try to post earlier in the day but who knows, I will take life as it comes! See you then.