The Guilt of Not Being a Nurse

Hello wonderful humans, I am back! I hope all you had a wonderful thanksgiving and continue to have holidays filled with love and happiness.

Today I want to write a post related to fact that I am graduating this Saturday (in 3 days). For those of you who don’t know, I will be graduating with a B.A. in writing and book arts. I have been in college for approximately 5 years, and it is finally coming to an end!

Today however, I want to talk about the major I never finished. Like I mentioned before I have been in college for the past 5, the 2 first years I was in nursing school. I loved the learning part, science is something that has always interested me, it wasn’t until beginning my practicum at the hospital that I began to wonder if that was really my thing.

I have always loved people, I love people so much that I have a whole other blog post about how much I love people. Anyhow, growing up I always felt like my vocation was in taking care of others, so wanting to quit nursing school came to me as a complete surprise.

While on my second year of nursing school I began my practicum at the hospital and more than once I was yelled at for “caring too much” and “not being efficient enough.” Sadly, I came to the realization that my job as a nurse wasn’t as holistic and loving in practice as we had been told in theory. I began to feel empty and out of place, pretty much had an existential crisis. but how did I know for sure? Well, there 3 major things that reassured my decision to leave.

  • The first (and perhaps most obvious one) was that I kept going to art–on me free time and otherwise busy time. I always had a notebook with me for writing and drawing, I would get back to my apartment and working on drawing, I painted my room, I began this blog, I even searched for a dance academy. My mind was always in art related things and not so much in nurse related ones.
  • The second one was that feeling of emptiness, of meaningless, and I was always tired and constantly getting sick. There came a point in which I no longer had the motivation to even get out of bed and I began to hate everything about nursing school.
  • Lastly, God didn’t want me to be a nurse. As soon as began having doubts about being a nurse, I began praying. I knew that if God wanted me to be a nurse, I would end up being a nurse, so I was praying sort of saying “give me sign that you want me here even though I hate it.” And instead God began to tell me “this is not where you belong.” It was a very confusing time because every time I prayed I wanted God to give me a yes or no answer and instead all He was saying was “go back home, Spain is not where you belong.” So I went back home, and long-story-short I applied to a million different universities all over the world. Most of my applications were still for nursing school, and only a couple of them for writing. I honestly don’t remember what Google search took me to St. Ambrose University or why it was so easy to get accepted when other schools had given me so many obstacles (applying as an international student isn’t easy), but it felt like it was meant to be.

For those 3 reasons I left nursing school and moved to Iowa to become a writer. Do I regret my decision? not at all! So why do I feel guilty sometimes?

Remember how I said I love people? Well, some times I feel like my decision to drop out of nursing school was selfish, many time I have been reminded of all the good I could be achieving by dedicating my life to helping others. If you tell me I have hurt someone’s feelings, I will feel guilty even if I rationally know it was right thing to do, so of course when I am told that people are suffering because I decided not to be a nurse I feel guilty.

However, I will not become a nurse out of guilt. Truth be told, patiences need nurses that are so passionate about taking care of them that there isn’t anything else they would rather be doing, not a nurse who wishes she wasn’t one! Maybe I did in fact make a selfish decision, but there isn’t a nurse shortage so why am I feeling guilty?

I chose the path that makes me happy, the profession that I am insanely passionate about, and so many beautiful things have come out of that decision that I wouldn’t want it any other way. Also, artist can make an impact and help others too, its just done in a different way 🙂

Anyhow, if you take anything away from this let it be “there are million ways in which you can make the world better while doing the thing you are insanely passionate about.”

Go out there, share your love and kindness to others, be happy, and let me know in the comments below what wedding related posts you would like to see!

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