Hello wonderful human beings, I hope your weeks has been better than mine! I am sick yet again. This past month or so has felt like an eternity, at the beginning of February I had a small cold, then mid February I had a whole week of excruciating migraines, I was all healthy last week, but now I have the flu. During all of that time I have done little to no fun things, and by fun things I mean artsy things. I am 100% ready for winter to be over!
Anyhow, last week when I was healthy, I thought to myself “I better do something productive” and the reason why I had this thought is because of TikTok. Now, neither TikTok nor the people there did anything wrong, I just panicked. The reason why I downloaded the app was just to have fun. For a while I only watched videos but then I began uploading my own and they were fun random videos, mostly of my pets. Long story short, TikTok began showing me videos of artist, and I really enjoy them, however there is a girl who is 22 years old and she uploads videos about her business and she makes money with her art. AND I PANICKED. Why? Because anxiety is a thing I live with, it’s stupid—I know—but I can’t just tell my anxiety to stop, I wish it was that easy.
I felt like because she’s 22 and already has a business, that somehow meant I am late to the game (!?!) Really? I am 24, and my current situation does not allow me to have a business, why am I torturing myself?
I spent 3 or 4 days pushing myself so hard towards becoming TikTok famous because that some how made sense at the time. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish it, but the worst part is that I burned myself out and the thing that I am supposed to love and enjoy, became a chore.
Last Thursday I cried because I felt like a failure and was ready to give up art all together! I think the biggest reason for the whole breakdown, was comparing myself to the other artists. I’ve had TikTok for maybe two months, I don’t know how long they have had it. I just began uploading videos and only have 30 in total, I don’t know how many they uploaded before getting any followers! I compared my chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter whatever.
The second thing that lead to a break down is that there is so many different types of artist and for some unknown reason my brain decided I need to be perfect at all types of art or I might as well not do anything at all. I know realize how stupid that sounds, but once again my anxiety has running crazy by now.
Being sick for 2 weeks on a road and spending most day trying to keep the house clean, and having no energy to actually do art or write, left me feeling like I was not a true artist. I graduated 3 months ago, why am I expecting myself to already have everything worked out?
I am staying off of TikTok for a while, and once I find my paint brush I will be doing some painting just for fun. I have been meaning to make a schedule for my days which I haven’t done yet but definitely need.
There is a song I’ve been liking a lot lately and it has a verse that says “don’t be afraid that it won’t be perfect, the only thing to be afraid of is that it won’t be.”
I just finished school, I feel like I should be able to give myself a break. What do you think? Have you ever felt the pressure of falling behind? What do you do when you are having anxiety?
As I am about to post this the thoughts in head are “everyone has anxiety” ” no one cares what you are going through” “we have heard this before” “why are you talking about your anxiety again?” Yes posting this gives me anxiety because you might be thinking those things, but I’m here to be real and I can’t let my anxiety keep me from doing the things I want to do! I can’t let anxiety keep me from living my dreams!!
Until next week, remind awesome, be kind and love with all of your heart! Shout-out to my awesome grandparents for their unconditional support!