Hello beautiful humans, how are you today? I am happy today, genuinely happy. It has been a while since I’ve felt this way.
My life is full of happy moments, but with mental illness, even the most beautiful and happy moments can be filled with a lot of sadness. And knowing that you are living a wonderful moment and knowing that you can’t be as happy as you should be, can also fill you with a lot of guilt and a feeling of brokenness, and the feeling like you don’t deserve those happy moments because you can’t fully appreciate them.
It is really hard to live with mental illness, and I know there’s a lot of people who think that being sad is a choice that we make, but it is not. So having a day like I had yesterday and waking up being happy, is an absolute treasure.
Nothing extraordinary happened yesterday. Brandon and I stayed in bed until 9 am and we went to Dubuque to run some errands. We came back at around 1 pm, we had lunch, took Walter to the vet to get his vaccine updates. Cleaned the house, watched TV, changed the gecko enclosures, finished a book, had tea, ate leftovers for supper and went to bed.
In between those ordinary moments there was a lot of laughing, so much my cheeks hurt. There was a lot of closing my eyes and aknowledging the moment, and being thankful for it, and deciding to be present in the moment and laugh even when my heart is sad and my brain is full of anxiety and I am afraid that the happiness won’t last long.
I took notice of the way laughing made my cheeks hurt, I noticed the spark in Brandon’s eyes when he sees me laughing, I added extra honey to my tea because I love the flavor and took a moment to do nothing but taste my tea, and just be.
My therapist once explained mental illness as being diabetes. There is a lot of stigma around diabetes and there is a lot of blaming the sick person for their diabetes. A lot of people say just change this little simple thing and your diabetes will be cured, and they don’t realize that it isn’t that easy. Yes, working out and changing your diet can help with diabetes, it won’t cure everyone. The majority of people are still going to need medicine and insulin to live with diabetes. And just like mental illness, diabetes is something that the majority of people live with for the rest of their lives.
A lot of things like being present in the day, journaling, working out, meditation, etc., can help you feel better and they can help your brain produce the right amounts of hormones at the right times, but the truth is that the majority of people need and will always need medication to manage their mental illness and truly find happiness.
There is nothing wrong with medication, I’ve been on medication to teach my brain how to produce and absorb the hormones it needs to be happy.
Today I woke up with a smile on my face, excited to be alive, and I just wanted to talk about it because I know a lot of people who struggle with mental illness and I had forgotten how amazing it feels like to be genuinely content.
I mentioned moving the geckos, Edd has a bigger tank and JP (aka no name) is now in my office.
Yesterday I also bought new books because they were on sale. I wasn’t planning on buying books but I found them while doing other errands.
I also finished “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstances” which is the 4th book on my goal of reading 53 books before my next birthday. I am already halfway through my 5th book, but that one is a none fiction book so I am reading it parallel to other books, so I am soon going to start the 6th book, thought I don’t know what it is yet because I haven’t unwrapped it.
If you don’t know what I mean by unwrapping it, you should read my post “Trying to Surprise Myself All Year Long” which talks all about my book goal and how I am approaching it.
That is all for today, until next time. I hope you find some time to be present in the moment and appreciate the beauty in ordinary days. Share your love with everyone, and if you love this blog please share it with everyone you love!