Am I Getting Cold Feet?
It is 3 am at the moment and the reason why I am writing this is because I simply couldn't sleep. I began feeling nervous two weeks ago, when the wedding was a month away–the wedding is in two weeks! So yeah, I am here at 3 am because I am a nerve rack and honestly I am not quite sure as how I should feel.
If you go into the internet and research "nervousness before your wedding" the first thing that comes up is Google telling you to calm down, it is okay to feel nervous before any mayor life event and apparently getting married is the third biggest thing that could happen to you. So it is okay that I am a little nervous, but is it okay for that nervousness to become an anxiety that does not let you sleep?
I was thinking about our house, how it is sitting empty now. People have began giving us gifts and our furniture is on the way; we already have everything that is essential to us being there. I was imagining our future and the every day life, the little and the big things that we would get to do together, and almost immediatelly a voice in my head said "he could still back-out." People keep joking about how we can still call it off and they ask me how do we know we are ready. Now you can see how I began to feel uneasy. Naturally, I began to panic about the fact the fact that I was panicking.
"Understand where your feelings come from," is something my counsalor used to tell me. "Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are, explore where the feelings are coming from." And so I did, I got up from bed and went to the living to think about my feelings and allow myself to just feel them. Terrible scenarios came to mind; what if he decides to call the wedding off? what if one day he leaves with no warning or explanation? what if we just can't make it work? What if...but what if, what if we forgive each other? what if we don't give up on each other? what if we do life together? what if it works out?
I can't wait! Watch me shed tears of happiness because there have been a lot more of those than there has been anxiety. Life is many things but perfect isn't one of them. My fear is valid, it comes from a heart that has been abandoned before, but damn it! Brandon is a good guy. Some times I get scared of being hurt, but most of the time I am so glad to swimming with the sharks; how unhappy would I be if the walls where still up.
I remember feeling this way when I left Spain, I felt almost guilty to be excited. I have something good going on, why would I want to complicate it with a lifetime commitment and what not? Because it is worth it for the chance to love each other more and make each other even happier. I remember watching the sunrise from the 5 am air plane from Pamplona to Madrid, the day I officially left Spain. I realized it then and I know now, that underneath all of the fear there is an immense amount of peace; this is meant to be.
Google was right, any life change will give you anxiety; life will never be the same after this. But that anxiety and that fear is no reason to back down. I am about to venture into the unknown, my brain doesn't know how to handle that, so it panics. It is like the couple of minutes before a big test when you know you possess the knowledge to get a good grade but you panic because you don't know what the questions will be and you are afraid you might not be able to answer them. I possess the knowledge, I just have to give my brain a little bit of time to realize everything will be okay!
I felt this way when I left Spain, and everyday I am thankful I didn't let it stop me. Great things are yet to happen, change can be scary for anyone.
That was such a long post, but I am happy now–and ready for bed. It always feels good to ponder on my feelings to discover where they come from and better understand why I am feeling them; it allows me to have healthier emotions/feelings/reactions. Anyhow, if you are still here thank you for reading such a long post. Down below I have a picture slideshow with the pictures of all the dresses I tried on but aren't my wedding dress.
Until next time, I hope you have a great day! Practice letting yourself feel and reflect on why you feel the way you do. Go around and share your love, be kind to everyone, and specially be kind to yourself.
